I'm lost and stupid without you.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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