Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
