my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
