I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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