found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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