Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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