you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
