is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
