I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
