thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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