Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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