Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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