those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
