Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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