so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
