She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
