my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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