Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
