Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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