im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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