haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
