Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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