who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
