the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
