mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
