it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
