Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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