he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Why did my mother make you get naked?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
