i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
