Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
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we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
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Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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