So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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