a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
