I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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