So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
