I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
