im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
