so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
