I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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