im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Randomize
