he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
