My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
