I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
