just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
