this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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