you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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