Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
