Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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