I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
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Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
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she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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