I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
