Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I can't turn off my feet"
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
