I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
