why do cheetos always look like penises
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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