my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
